Farzana Gunjan

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 How to Get Over a Toxic Relationship

 

In a previous blog, I talked about 'Why toxic relationships are so addictive'; I feel this one is essential for my readers now. If it is addictive, then what’s the remedy? How can we get out of an addiction like this? There are rehabilitation centers for drug-addicted people, but there is no rehabilitation center for a person addicted to a toxic relationship or certain emotions. So what can we do? We can definitely go to therapy, but the therapist needs to be aware enough of this addiction dynamic of a toxic relationship. And this is very rare where I come from. Therapy was not helpful for me personally in Bangladesh, but self-healing was. I am going to share some self-healing techniques today, which I have learned from a number of psychiatrists, psychologists, coaches, and neuroscientists all over the world. I have been learning and practicing these techniques for over 2.5 years, and today I’m gonna share those that have been proven to be successful. So you are going to get a thousand dollars worth of self-healing coaching for free in a few minutes.

Just kidding, I love to write and talk about these things. This life feels like magic to me sometimes. This one I may not have been living right now so why not make the best out of it? 

 

I was in a narcissistic-codependent relationship dynamic for half a decade, and you can say I have experienced the highest level of toxicity in that one. It was hard to get out of it instead of seeing how harmful it was for my entire existence. My general knowledge was not enough, even my friends and family's cumulative general knowledge about relationships was not enough to deal with that toxicity or pull me out of it. So what else could I have done without research right? I am truly grateful to those psychiatrists, neuroscientists, therapists, and spiritual or mental health coaches from all over the world who have done so much research and put their work online. It opened my eyes and pulled me straight out of the fantasy I was living (which actually turned into a nightmare later). 

 

I used to decide, ‘I am gonna leave this time', but every time my ex came and begged for a last chance, I gave it. The number of last chances I gave to him may have exceeded the counting capacity of a standard 2 student. Anyway, let’s cut to the chase. What strategies actually worked for me in this journey? Let me share it with you guys,

 

 

Step 1: Getting Over the addiction 

 

A toxic relationship is no less than any drug addiction. I have discussed this in my previous blog titled ‘Why toxic relationships are so addictive.' It’s not only your willpower that can get you out of this addiction, because it’s not only happening in your mind. Your body, hormones, nervous system—everything gets hardwired with that addiction. So we have to do both mind and body work to get over that relationship.

Here are a few methods that I have used to get over that:

 

Going no contact

No matter how basic it sounds, going no contact is the first and most important rule to get over that addiction. You can’t give yourself small doses and expect your body to not crave more. Completely zero interaction is your only choice here. No matter what the other person does, you will not respond or react. And in the case of a toxic relationship, the other person will come back again and again in the form of begging, guilt-tripping, blackmailing, threatening, or even actually harming you or themselves. You have to keep up with your boundaries no matter what they do. 

Remember, they know how to manipulate you better than you. Trust what they have shown you before. People don’t fake toxicity; they may fake being healthy.

 

Cleaning up your space

Clean up their memories their belongings and whatever comes in your way. Because you need to physically remove them from your life to remove them from your mind. It's like cleaning their energy from your space. 

You may feel it is painful to go back to those memories for cleaning up; go slow in that case. But don’t shut yourself up in the fear of not facing those. Running from those issues will never solve them; they will keep haunting you instead. 

 

A checklist for not going back

You can list out the negative experiences. Let me share what I did, I made a list of the negative things for which it broke and the reasons why I am not going back, kept screenshots of abusive texts and threats in my phone. Whenever I had the urge to go back, I used to open that list or screenshots to remind me what’s gonna happen if I go. I had more than enough evidence to prove myself that this is the reality. It was painful to see those but much necessary.

Another thing I did was Journaling and writing the major abusive incidents and going through those whenever I craved that connection.

 

Be ready to go through the pain of grief

Allow yourself to go through the withdrawal pain. I used to have acute pain in my body, and at times I used to lie down the whole day in that pain. I got sick several times as well. All of those were part of the healing process. Your mind-body chemistry is changing; you are forcing negative energy out of your body so let it pass. Be patient with yourself.

 

 

Step 2: Healing

Discovering my own Dysfunction

This was crucial; I guess it is hard for almost anyone to see their own flaws. I discovered the root of my problems was not stemmed from this relationship only; it was far deeper and started from my childhood. 

We learn to create bonds or attachments for the first time in our lives as children, with our primary caregivers. And that becomes a default programming in our brain for creating bonds. In adulthood, we repeat those patterns while creating any new bond. Be it a romantic relationship or friendship. 

In my journey of healing, the dysfunctions I found in myself were stemmed from mainly my abandonment wound and codependency. I had no sense of self; I used to live for other people around me. From childhood, I had this belief in my mind that I had to save my mother from her miserable life. I used to portray my father as a villain and my mother as a victim. Growing up with this urge, I chose a partner who was difficult to deal with, who needed saving in my opinion, and I wanted to save him and fix his life from that year-old urge of the savior complex. 

So I realized the base of this relationship was fauly. As mature adults, everyone should be able to take responsibility for themselves. Codependency or enmeshed relationships can never be healthy. We complete each other is a corrupted concept we often hear. We are all whole human beings; if not yet, we have the capability to make us whole, and with our partners, we will only share this beautiful time on earth we have come to experience.

 

Finding the New ‘Me’

I didn’t stop my journey with those self discoveries of my own dysfunctions. That’s where most people stop, even after seeing a therapist or learning about these on their own. I healed those parts within me by letting those parts die and reframing my thoughts, reprograming my beliefs and reparenting my inner child.

Here are some steps I followed to do that:

1. Allowing parts of me to die or break and building a healthier version of myself over time
2. Consciously pulling myself back from engaging in toxic patterns in existing relationships
3. Pulling myself back from toxic people despite the huge urge to talk to them or engage with them. Actually, this urge went away after a point, as internally I was healing the wounds from which this attraction was created in the first place.
4. Understanding the bigger perspective, like the Universe is trying to make me wiser and it wants me to break this cycle and elevate my soul.
5. Adapting new hobbies, making new friends, learning new skills. For example, I have started painting, joined a dance class, took courses on meditation and self-healing, and started creating Instagram contents with my writings.

 

Support yourself through your basics

If you have a supportive friend circle or family to fall back on, then you are lucky, you can seek connection there. If you don't, then I got you covered; don’t worry.

I am sharing some habits that helped me through my super lonely journey of recovery,

1. Use your notepad as your best friend's inbox. You can just open that notepad with one touch from your home screen and type whatever you wanna say to someone. Treat it like a chatbox. It’s important for you to vent out at that moment when you feel like doing it. So just do it, doesn’t matter if anyone is seeing it. And allow any sensation coming up in your body while doing this. Anger, sadness, rage, grief, emptiness, whatever it is, observe it and let it pass. You are more powerful than you realize. 
2. You can also write in your journal to vent out or do both, like me.
3. Keep your healthy habits on track. E.g., eat proper meals, sleep at night, and move your body. These will keep your physique on track. Exercise has been proven to release happy hormones like dopamine and adrenalin. Which will eventually impact your mental state as well. 
4. Try some new hobbies, e.g., painting, drawing, dancing, singing, learning to play an instrument, making candles, cooking or anything else that you can do sitting in your home to incorporate some playfulness in your regular life. Those will work like little doses of self-love for you. 
5. Keep your space tidy. A clean and tidy space will always light up your mood. Making your bed in the morning will eliminate the lethargy from the night and give you energy to start your day afresh. Also, who doesn’t like to come back to a clean home? Feels good every time, right!

 

Be Compassionate and Patient with yourself

These abuses were like slow poisoning. Maybe you got to that realization recently but it was building bit by bit all over your life. And your whole system was designed like this. It will take some time and a few errors to heal those wounds and reprogram your system. Give yourself that compassion and kindness; be patient with yourself. Keep on learning about yourself and a better lifestyle. Knowledge is the light that will show you the path ahead. Healing takes time. Some of the things I did in this are are:

1. Forgiving myself again and again for not putting up with my own boundaries 
2. Accepting all those parts of myself who were denied because they were nasty or not healthy, or not so beautiful.

 

 

Step 3: Your Path to Freedom

 

Before ending, I would like to say, always remember that ending of a relationship is not ending of your life. It was just another chapter of your life where you are the main character. And trust me, on the other side of this abusive and toxic relationship, a better life is awaiting you. You just need to choose the path of self-healing rather than self-sabotaging. Every bad experience in our life comes with a profound lesson. Try to find what this experience was trying to teach you and grow from that pain. We have the capability to transform our pain into power with self-healing. That’s why they say, ‘Self-healers are powerful alchemists.’ 

 

Another beautiful thing is, when you are over those pains, you will look back and be proud of yourself, seeing your growth. I am truly grateful for becoming this version of myself today. The amount of peace, fulfillment, and contentment I found within me is priceless. Without that big shake, maybe I could have never embarked on this journey. I feel I was meant to live this life; this is actually my life where I am the main character, and that big shake was important to bring me on this path. On that note, I will end this blog with a favourite quote : “The worst thing that happened to you is also the best thing that happened to you.”

 

Healing Tools that Helped me to Recover

 

Meditation

Journaling

Inner Child Healing

Shadow Work

Manifestation

Breathwork

Affirmations

Chanting

Self-Soothing 

 

PS. I will be writing & making Youtube videos on all of these tools one by one to give a whole idea. Stay tuned.